“Have You Talked to Them First?” & Why This Question Fails in the Wrong Culture

You think feedback is simple. It’s not.

A manager pulls an employee aside.

The employee raises a concern.

The response?

"Well… have you talked to them first?"

It’s framed as a reasonable question. A logical next step. A sign of maturity, even.

Except… it’s not.

Because if you don’t have a culture of trust and psychological safety, this question is a trap.

It puts the burden on the employee while ignoring the real issue: Does this company actually support honest conversations?

That’s the real problem.

And until you fix it, employees will keep avoiding the direct route.

 why people don't "just talk to them first"

The idea sounds great in theory:

• Have a disagreement? Go straight to the source.

• Someone’s behavior is a problem? Tell them directly.

• Need to give tough feedback? Do it face to face.

  
  

But here’s the reality: In an unsafe culture, direct feedback is dangerous.

People hesitate for a reason.

Because they’ve seen what happens when others speak up.

Because they’ve experienced backlash before.

Because they don’t know if they’ll be dismissed, retaliated against, or ignored.

It’s not that they don’t want to have the conversation.

It’s that they’re assessing the risk.

And when the risk is high?

They go sideways.

They check with a coworker first.

They get a second opinion.

They try to gauge how it will be received.

This isn’t avoidance. This isn’t office gossip.

This is survival.

And if that bothers you, the problem isn’t them.

It’s the system you built.

 the silent cost of unsafe conversations

What happens in workplaces where people don’t feel safe giving feedback?

Simple. They stop.

• They let small issues grow into big ones.

• They avoid conversations that could have fixed everything.

• They leave rather than deal with the fallout of speaking up.

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And the company?

• Wastes time on backchannel conversations.

• Loses great employees who just wanted to be heard.

• Ends up blind to problems that could have been solved.

  
  

Psychological safety isn’t a luxury. It’s not a “nice-to-have.”

It’s the foundation of every high-performing workplace.

Without it?

Feedback becomes a risk.

Honesty becomes a gamble.

And silence becomes the safest move.

Leaders, This Is Your Responsibility

Before you ask, “Did you talk to them first?”

Ask yourself:

Have I created a culture where they feel safe to?

That’s the real conversation.

And if you don’t like the answer, it’s time to fix it.